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November 3, 2023

There’s a lot you can do to be more successful on dating apps: bolster your profile, ask the right questions, and get clear on your intentions (to name a few). But to really improve your experience, experts suggest learning how to spot online dating red flags (which, truthfully, can be a bit tricky).  

Want to find better matches and feel more empowered in the process? Keep reading for expert-guided advice on the most common online dating red flags, how to identify them early on, and what to do from there. 

Plus, find out what green flags to look for on dating apps. After all, these days as many as a third of U.S. marriages start online—so there’s a lot of success to be had!

Dating expert and founder of Heart Hackers Club, Amy Chan, defines a red flag as a warning sign or indicator that something is off or amiss. Chan adds that these warning signs indicate a person may have unresolved issues that could be harmful to your wellbeing or relationship. 

Just keep in mind, not every red flag has to be a deal breaker. Therapist LaTonya Washington, LICSW, adds that some red flags are just an indication that something needs further examination.

Plus, not every red flag is universal. One person’s warning sign could be someone else’s green light. Identifying red flags requires self-awareness and self-respect. “It’s a journey of understanding your own boundaries, needs, and values,” Chan says.

Again, not every red flag is a reason to run for the hills. It’s important to understand your own needs and boundaries to determine how to handle potential warning signs in online dating.

To better your online dating experience, experts recommend keeping an eye out for the below red flags.

Dating and relationship coach Sarika Jain notes that healthy sexuality and chemistry is important—and there are times at which someone may want to receive sexual remarks or comments—but she emphasizes that each relationship must first start off on a healthy foundation of respect and understanding.

If someone is being overtly sexual on a dating app before you’ve built any foundation, we’d proceed with caution. It’s important to keep dating app safety top of mind, and remember you can always report users for unwanted behavior.

3.

Inconsistent communication

We’ve all been there: A match is communicating with you regularly and enthusiastically for days, until, well, they’re not. Washington notes that this can be a red flag because you deserve a connection that makes you feel secure and wanted. 

Chan adds that consistency builds trust and emotional security, so when someone exhibits hot and cold behavior or is chronically inconsistent, it’s a red flag. “It can indicate that they are preoccupied with someone else, they are love avoidant, or they push people away when they get too close,” she explains.

People test boundaries in many different ways, but one common example is if someone insists on meeting at a private location despite you voicing a preference to meet in a safe, public place. 

In addition to this being disrespectful and potentially unsafe, Washington notes that it may be a sign they are looking for a hookup rather than a date.

5.

Refusal to connect face-to-face

We always recommend planning time to meet in real life soon after you establish a connection online. That’s why Washington says avoiding this can be a red flag. 

If a match continues offering excuses or seems to be keeping their true identity hidden, we’d consider it a warning sign. “Sometimes people refuse to video chat due to not looking like their actual pictures,” she says.

This one may seem more obvious, you should never give away your financial information on a dating app—and, no matter how small the request, someone asking for financial assistance is a huge red flag. 

“Someone may be testing you to see how much you are willing to give, setting you up for a larger request,” warns Washington.

7.

Love bombing or rushing intimacy

You’ve likely heard this term, but what exactly is love bombing? Chan defines love bombing as “Someone pushing for intimacy, whether emotional, financial, or physical, at an accelerated pace without respect or consideration to your comfort levels is alarming.” 

If someone has already made up their mind about you (claiming you’re the one, for example), they may be projecting or creating a fantasy about you. 

That in mind, Chan stresses the importance of boundaries. If someone is pressuring you, it indicates a lack of respect for your personal comfort zone.

• eharmony: for a more intentional dating experience, with in-depth information for all potential matches.
• Match: a great option for serious daters but with less detailed profiles.
• Hinge: a simple, free dating app for people with a variety of dating intentions.
• Tinder: for more of a casual or hookup vibe, with profile verification.

1.

Consistent communication

While it should go without saying, consistent communication is a must in online dating. If someone maintains regular, respectful, and engaging conversations, it’s an indicator that they have a genuine interest in getting to know you.

Of course, Jain notes that you want to make sure you’re giving that consistency back. “A person shows that they’re interested and reliable based on how they show up for you,” she says. 

Jain caveats that sometimes it may take weeks or months to really build a connection, so don’t write someone off too quickly, either. You may need to verbalize the level of communication you want.

2.

Respecting your boundaries

Be sure to note when someone on a dating app really listens to your preferences, respects your pace, doesn’t press you for intimate details about your life, and doesn’t pressure you to meet sooner than you feel comfortable. 

“They should be considerate about where you feel safest meeting and do not demand that you meet them at your home, their home, or anywhere secluded,” Washington says.

4.

Being supportive and encouraging

Emotional maturity is a major green flag. When dating online, keep an eye out for signs that they’re capable of providing emotional support and encouragement.

Washginton says you can look for this if you share your achievements and they want to celebrate you. On the flip side, do they show empathy for you during challenging times? If so, this can build a nurturing connection.

Pay attention to someone who asks questions and listens. “That demonstrates emotional availability and the intent to form an emotional bond,” says Chan. 

It’s a sign that they’re looking beyond surface-level interactions and are invested in understanding the core of who you are.