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When deciding if you should break up with a boyfriend, it’s important to consider three things: how the relationship is impacting you and your well-being, whether the issues can be resolved if both of you put in the effort, and whether you and your partner are actually willing to make the necessary changes.

According to licensed marriage therapist Weena Cullins, LCMFT, your overall well-being is probably the most important factor to consider. “While all intimate relationships are subject to experiencing rough patches at different times, choosing to remain in a relationship that consistently causes you stress or compromises your physical, emotional, or mental health isn’t the best choice,” she tells mbg.

While thinking through your decision, she recommends reaching out to trusted people in your life—like friends or family—to help you look at your situation from a more objective, third-party view. Sometimes outsiders looking in can see things more clearly.

Remember that either choice is valid: The decision to break up with someone, while sometimes painful, is an act of taking care of yourself and your needs. And on the flip side, the decision to stay doesn’t mean you can’t leave later on. So, give yourself some compassion and consider both options with an open mind.

1.

The relationship is largely a source of stress in your life.

“Each couple creates a unique dynamic in their relationship, so there’s no real one-size-fits-all rule for breaking up with someone,” says Cullins. But generally speaking, pay attention to if you relationship contributes more stress than positivity to your life, she says.

As much as you may love the good parts of your relationship, if the moments where you actually get to enjoy those good parts are few and far between compared to the moments where you’re filled with stress and dissatisfaction, that may be a sign that it’s time to break up.

2.

He pushes your boundaries.

If there’s any surefire sign that you need to leave a relationship, it’s boundary violations. “If he violates your physical and emotional boundaries in ways that make you feel unsettled or unsafe,” Cullins says that’s grounds for a breakup.

Violating your boundaries might look like pushing you to do things you’re not comfortable with, willfully ignoring your needs and expectations after you’ve clearly articulated them, or putting your physical or emotional well-being in harm’s way with his actions.

3.

You feel tense and unsettled around him.

If you’re feeling constantly on edge around someone, it’s a sign that you don’t feel fully safe. There are many reasons why that might be—maybe you’re always worried they’re going to blow up at you if you upset them, or that if you make a mistake they might leave.

We all deserve to be in relationships where we feel fully safe to be ourselves and voice our needs without fear of volatility, retaliation, or abandonment.

4.

You’re dating him for his “potential.”

He’s not perfect, but things will be different when…

Ever find yourself saying something along these lines? He’s just going through a hard time right now, you say. It’ll be different when work’s not so stressful, or when we move in together, or once we get over this rough patch.

“Many people believe their partners will change—for example, become more committed, understanding, or affectionate—when they hit a milestone or when some external stressor is reduced,” therapist Megan Bruneau, M.A., previously told mbg. “This can happen sometimes, but it’s not a guarantee. If you knew they’d never change, would you still be in it for the long haul?”

Bruneau recommends basing your decision of whether to stay with this person on what they’re like right now, not on some future idea of who they might change into.

5.

He breaks your trust repeatedly.

6.

You struggle to commit to him.

On the flip side, perhaps you’re the one who struggles to fully commit to your boyfriend and invest in the relationship. Culins says an inability to commit may be a sign that you don’t truly want to be in this relationship.

“If you are unable to be with him without lying or breaking his trust,” she says, or “if you struggle to be faithful because you aren’t quite satisfied with him,” respect both him and your own inner needs by ending the relationship.

7.

You can’t help but criticize him.

8.

Your lives aren’t compatible.

You might really love your boyfriend, but perhaps there are other issues at play in your relationship. For example, you have different religions, different views on having kids, or different lifestyles. You love to travel; he doesn’t. He loves to go out and party; you’re a homebody.

While these issues can be worked out if you’re both willing to make it work, Cullins says it’s also okay to end a relationship over these types of life incompatibilities if they truly matter to you. You’ll need to decide for yourself which differences you can live with and which ones would be far too difficult to overcome.

9.

You don’t see a future, despite one of you wanting one.

If you’re considering breaking up with your boyfriend as an immediate reaction to a newly presented challenge in the relationship, it may be worth it to slow down first and truly consider your options. “When you truly care about someone, the decision to break up with them should be taken seriously,” says Cullins.

The truth is, nearly any issue in a relationship can remedied, managed, or otherwise dealt with as long as both people are willing to put in the work. If you haven’t yet talked to your partner about the problem and made mutual attempts at remedying it, that may be an option to explore before immediately jumping to a breakup. You may find that a solution can be found with just a little elbow grease. Couples therapy can also be a great option.

“If you know that past trauma or personal issues that aren’t related to the relationship are playing a role in your current problems with each other, you can seek counseling to work through those issues in order to give your relationship a fair chance,” Cullins says.

Maybe you have trust issues, but you’re working through them in therapy. Maybe he has an avoidant attachment style, but he’s trying to move past that old programming. If the problem isn’t actually something related to your relationship, and the person who is dealing with the issue is actively seeking to resolve it, the relationship may just have a fighting chance.

Generally speaking, if you’re constantly thinking about breaking up with your boyfriend, it’s usually a sign that you’re not fully happy or satisfied with the relationship. However, Cullins notes that sometimes people can feel the urge to abandon even good relationships due their own personal fears—for example, the fear of being hurt or abandoned, the fear of becoming engulfed or otherwise unhappy in the relationship, or the fear of missing out on something better.

These fears may have nothing to do with the quality of the relationship you’re in, and so Cullins recommends really looking within and exploring your reasons for wanting to break up thoroughly. If you’re wanting to leave because a good thing scares you, you may benefit more from learning to accept a bit of risk and vulnerability in order to accept love into your life.

Post-breakup regret is a common experience, but it doesn’t always mean you made the wrong decision.

As relationship coach Julie Nguyen writes at mbg, all breakups—especially when it’s someone you’ve been with for a long time—can trigger feelings of grief and upheaval. “Not wanting to hurt someone you care about makes it harder to immediately land on acceptance about your decision,” she says. “But if you’ve been looking for a reason to end the relationship, it’s usually valid, even if it’s covered in anguish at first glance.”

No situation is black or white, Cullins adds. “It’s normal to consider the good things you may have to give up if you break up,” she says, but adds, “If what you will gain is ultimately more important to your health, wellness, and peace of mind, then it may be worth it.”

And remember: Breakups aren’t always permanent. If the relationship is ultimately meant to be, your partner will feel the same way about your relationship ending, and you will be able to return to each other and explore things once again.